30 Extremely Dirty Jokes You’ll Want To Tell Your Best Friends (But Never Your Parents)

If you’re not offended easily, these dirty jokes from Ask Reddit will have you busting a gut laughing.

1. Why did the sperm cross the road?

“Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.” — brutalanglosaxon

2. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

“Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.” — Max_W_

3. Why do mice have such small balls?

“So few of them know how to dance.” — Jauncin

4. What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

“Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.” — ThouDanKing

5. A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.

“The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’

Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’

Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.’” — 72scott72

6. What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

“You get your palm red for free.” — Wedding_Bar_Fight

---

STAY YOUNG

7. What’s worse than ants in your pants?

“Uncles.” — SirTurkTurkelton

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

“She gagged.” — WrittenRage

9. How do you know that you have a high sperm count?

“She has to chew before she swallows.” — exstatik

10. Three tampons are sitting at a bus stop. What do they say to each other?

“Nothing. They’re stuck up cunts.” — NuclearJesusMan

---

SHOP

---

11. If a midget tells you your hair smells nice…

 “…is that sexual harassment?” — odies1971

12. How do you get a Nun pregnant?

“Dress her up as an altar boy.” — DrinkableCrisps 

13. Know what old pussy tastes like?

“Eh. Depends.” — kind2311

14. If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

“If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.” — WeFeedBees

15. How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

“…it’s not hard.” — hlckhrt

16. Why don’t pedophiles compete in races?

“They always come in a little behind.” — Whitefox07

17. Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

“Because she outgrew her B-shells!” — Gvanderv

18. What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

“I’ve never had a lentil on my chest.” — [deleted] 

19. Two deer walk out of a gay bar…

One says to the other, ‘Man, I can’t believe I blew forty bucks in there!’” — heyscruffalobill

20. A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.

“Bartender: What’s the matter buddy?

Man: It’s the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Bartender: Oh man that really sucks! What did you do?

Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out!

Bartender: What about your best friend?

Man: I looked him straight in the eyes and said BAD DOG!” — sinister_compliment

21. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

“The taste.” — vietbond

22. What does Trisha put behind her ears to attract men?

“Her ankles.” — Aethestic_3103

23. What did one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?

“Same time next month?” — sputnikway

24. What’s the worst part about going down on your grandmother?

“Banging your head on the lid of the coffin.” — JJayerson

25. A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

“So he gives it to her.” — SonOfTheShire

26. What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

“Where you stick the cucumber.” — Blitz100

27. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?

“Because his wife died.” — WrittenRage

28. Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.

“The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.” — Belexa

29. What does a leper say after having sex with a prostitute?

“Keep the tip.” — _shittyshittymorph_

30. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?

“A beaver dam.” — azmodan72 [tc-mark]