‘He Stuck A WHAT Up His WHAT?’: 36 Medical Workers Share Hilarious Sexual Mishaps From The Emergency Room

1. He fell naked onto a squash, which accidentally went all the way up his ass.

“Patient fell whilst he was naked. Onto a squash. It went straight up his arse. Then his boyfriend tried to get it out but pushed it in a bit further. I managed to keep a straight face throughout, handed him over to the hospital and made it almost to the doors before I broke down.

2. He Super-Glued his hand to his penis.

“A man came in having Super-Glued his hand to his penis. Everyone knew that someone had pranked his lube. But he kept claiming that he had an itch and was putting cream on it and the cream had become solid.”

3. ‘That must have been a very accurate fall, Father.’

“Priest with old school Brut bottle all the way up his sigmoid. He told me he fell. Being stupid young and not thinking of my career I quipped back, ‘That must have been a very accurate fall, Father.’”

4. I found them naked from the waist down with fish-tank tubing connecting their urethras—they were pissing back and forth into each other.

“Oooo i worked in a hospital. Did EKG for the ER and was also a nurse tech. A couple was admitted 40-something-year-old dude, and 20-something female. I was called for two monitors. Came in behind the curtain to the two in the same bed. Odd, I thought. Removed the covers to find them naked from the waist down with fish-tank tubing connecting their urethras (piss holes). I was taken back, but moved on professionally hooking them to EKG monitors. I asked the doctor wtf was going on. He did they were pissing back and forth into each other and the tube developed a suction leaving them bound together for the world to witness. I asked the doctor if they’ll need surgery, and he replied, ‘No, you simply cut the tube to break suction…but I’m leaving them hooked together until the emergency contact shows up.’ (i.e., the dude’s wife.)”

5. He cut open his scrotum with scissors and his testicle was hanging out.

“Dude came into hospital after opening up his scrotum with a pair of scissors. His story was that he was looking for something but couldn’t remember what. His testicle was hanging out, the paramedics had over zealously bandaged it and caused some ischaemia. No history of medical illness or drug use, just a normal looking dude who went looking inside Schrödinger’s sac.”

6. A flashlight was shining out of the fellow’s orifice.

“I did not witness this myself, but I heard one story involving a flashlight shining out of the fellow’s orifice.”

7. Was it because he ate carrot soup two days before?

“My aunt is a doctor (and usually pretty strict about her vow of silence) and one day this old guy showed up with a carrot stuck in his asshole. It’s obviously awkward, so my aunt decided not to ask too many questions. But the dude was constantly like ‘how did this happen?’ and I SWEAR TO GOD (well, my aunt does) that the guy kept asking if it might’ve been because he’d eaten carrot soup two days before.”

8. Garden gnomes, wine bottles, and a smelly cock.

“First story: Guy comes in looking fidgety in a big coat, female nurse asks initial questions but he demands a male. He gets to see a doctor a bit later, and reveals a garden gnome (quite a little one, but still) that was wedged (at the hat), into his ass. It gets removed, he blames an elaborate fall from a ladder, laughter follows and all seems well. Then…another guy comes in with the EXACT SAME THING! Turns out you’re not hardcore until you’ve been to an ass-gnoming party.

Second story: Starts the same but he looks in severe pain. Again—in comes a request for a male nurse. Then the reveal…this guy was using a wine bottle for some butthole pleasure, got carried away and managed to create some suction from within the bottle. He yanks it out and out comes a bit of the inside of his ass, some bile and some intestines. He was high on acid, otherwise would likely have collapsed on discovery. 🙂

Third story: Jamaican guy comes in with a ‘smelly cock’; he wasn’t lying—it reeked. Through a quick interview it turns out this married guy had recently started banging a girl on the side who was ‘wild’ and had taught him a neat trick. Put a rubber band on the base of your cock and it gets ‘real ‘ard maan.’ However, you must remember to remove it. Captain Monogamy had forgotten. The rubber band had rolled up and become wedged under his bell end (he was circumcised). It had then attracted an infection while cutting off blood flow to the tip. The man had what can only be described as trench cock. And, sadly, the dick had to go. After finding out of his impending forced castration, his main worry was his wife finding out. What a guy.”

9. He made up the story to get someone to fondle his anus.

“A friend of mine works as an emergency doctor and he was sent out with an ambulance because there was this guy with ‘an anal issue.’ When they got there, he told them he tried to satisfy himself by putting a candle up his bottom but that it broke off and that there was a piece of candle stuck. So one of the nurses put on latex gloves to try and fish it out but it very soon became clear… this patient didn’t have a candle up his ass….Turns out he made up the story to get someone to fondle him with latex gloves.”

10. She used a broom handle to pop up her stomach so she could have sex.

“An obese lady came in with large chunks of wood in her abdominal region. Seems odd. They removed the chunks of wood and noticed it matched what looked like a broom handle. Apparently she was so large that her stomach covered her vagina, so she would prop it up with a broom so her twig of a man could get in. It finally broke.”

11. ‘It must have been the kids.’

“A woman came in with a tube of Smarties (UK chocolate similar to M&Ms) stuck in her butt. She said she had no idea how it could have gotten there and that ‘It must have been the kids.’”

12. A KFC drumstick up his arse.

“A teenage boy came into the Emergency department with his mother. I remember he was wearing a long coat and looked kind of glum. Turns out he’d ordered too much KFC and had a drumstick left so what did he decide to do? That’s right, he shoved it up his arse. Now, the arse wants what it wants and refused to give the chicken leg back, so after some unsuccessful manipulation he did what any teenage boy would do in a situation with no easy solution. He called his mother. After she also failed to remove the chicken leg, it was determined that a visit to hospital was in order. I remember that after the receptionist took the details she directed them to the waiting room and told them to ‘sit over there’ and with a perfectly straight face the Mum said, ‘I think we’ll stand.’”

13. She came into the ER with a butt plug with a tail sticking out.

“Woman comes into the ER with a butt plug with a tail sticking out. She initially said that she was dressing up for a kid’s birthday party and that her costume was stuck and she couldn’t take it off. I wanted to ask well how old was the kid but I didn’t want to embarrass her even more.”

14. He said he fell naked off a ladder onto a vacuum cleaner tube.

“A gentleman presents to the emergency room stating that he fell. Upon further assessment (we asked him to sit down and he couldn’t), it’s discovered that while changing a light bulb in his closet (naked of course), he fell off the ladder and landed on an object. What was that object? I thought you’d never ask… This gentleman had (allegedly) fallen ass first onto the aluminum tube of a two piece vacuum cleaner. You would expect that this would be extremely dangerous, but conveniently this dude stored said cleaning appliance with a couple of tube socks and a latex condom covering the top of it (one would assume to keep the dust out of it). As the pieces of this little mystery came together, the patient never wavered from his original story. You see some pretty fucked up stuff in the ER, but I can honestly say that there are few things that are more bizarre than a pelvic x-ray film on a view box with a giant white line shooting up the middle of it. Dude must have had it a foot deep. Went to the OR and had it removed. Learned a valuable lesson about changing light bulbs in the buff…

15. He had shoved a whole bunch of needles into his urethra.

“I used to work at a mental health facility with outpatients from all walks of life. Some really nice folks and some real bad apples. Anyways one of the nice guys, let’s call him Dave, has severe schizophrenia. Dave likes to self=medicate and will constantly only take half or less of his meds when needed. Dave is homeless and hard to keep track of. When he’s on his meds his mind is clear and he’s super easy to talk to and get along with, but like I said he likes to self-medicate and so a lot of the times Dave is a mess…One day Dave comes in; he’s an absolute mess. I see him walk in say my greetings and ask him how he’s doing and all that jazz. He just starts saying he needs an MRI right away. Something is really wrong, he needs it right away. At this point Dave has caused a scene and people have come to see what’s going on. Anyways, Dave is a known self-harmer, so putting him in an MRI right away is a terrible idea. Dave goes for X-ray…

Dave had shoved a whole bunch of needles into his urethra…

Yup… you read that right. Dave essentially made his penis into a frag grenade and was hoping to put it into the MRI, and, well you can imagine what would happen. Luckily it never happened, but it still gives me the shivers thinking about what could have happened.

tl;dr: If you are mentally ill, please take your full dosage so you don’t attempt to make a frag grenade out of your penis.”

---

SHOP

---

16. He shoved a ballpoint pen—with the lid on—all the way down his urethra.

“When I was a nurse I heard of a guy who inserted a Bic ballpoint pen, complete with the lid on, down the length of his urethra. Upon removing the pen the lid stayed in situ. Try as he might, he was unable to remove the lid and in a moment of insanity he inserted a fine drill bit into his urethra to try and grip the pen. It didn’t grip so he thought it needed a few revolutions to get it to bite. He attached an electric drill to the bit, hit the button and it did indeed bite, spinning the lid rapidly whilst still inside his penis. Unfortunately for this chap, the pocket clip section [whatever the fuck it’s called?] bent outward with the revolutions and basically corkscrewed his dick in rather ugly fashion. The way the story goes, he lost most of his penis but still had enough to be ‘functional.’ Could be one of those medical urban myths TBH, but the source was solid.’”

17. He was known by the staff as ‘broom closet.’

“Dude came in with perforated intestines. My friend who was in medical school at the time chuckled at that diagnosis, saying (rightly so) that use of the word ‘perforated’ is a fair bit of an understatement. Patient claims he was cleaning naked and fell on the broom handle. He was known by the staff as ‘Broom Closet.’”

18. He said he ‘accidentally sat on an inflated balloon.’

“Dude #1 says he ‘accidentally sat on an inflated balloon’ and it went up his ass. Tried to pop it with bamboo skewers. Perforated his sigmoid several times and wound up with a whopping abdominal infection. Dude #2 Liked to stick the inside of a Bic pen down the wang and jack it. Ended up losing it and it migrated to the bladder. Claimed he was trying to clear an obstruction because he couldn’t pee. Saw him two different times for this.”

19. ‘Oh those are just Skittles. My boyfriend likes the taste.’

“Aside from the barrage of household items sucked into the lower intestines of various men claiming they were straight and ‘please don’t tell my wife,’ one of the most memorable foreign body moments was a woman who came into our ER complaining of pelvic pain. Well, that means you just signed up for a pelvic exam, all of which are performed by a doctor with a nurse also present to assist (me). The patient assumed the position, Doctor began the exam, run of the mill stuff, then says, ‘Oh… Nurse, could you hand me a specimen cup?’ I had her one, and the doctor asks the patient, ‘Did you happen to insert anything into your vagina recently? You have some funny colored discharge and small pebble sized objects I’m removing…’ The patient doesn’t miss a beat and says, ‘Oh, those are just Skittles. That’s nothing new, I always put them in there because my boyfriend likes the taste. That whole “taste the rainbow” thing.” She had no idea that her self-inflicted candy-coated vagina, which she had been doing daily for the last week, was the cause of her discomfort.

To clarify, the “straight” comment I made above was in reference to the responses some men would say as an explanation—as in, ‘of course it was an accident, I’m straight and married!’ It wasn’t meant as a personal reflection or commentary. Sorry for any confusion.”

20. He got four feet of oxygen tubing up his ass before he couldn’t shove anymore.

“I worked as a circulating nurse in the OR and once was called in the middle of the night to remove oxygen tubing from a 10 yo. He had about 4 feet in before he couldn’t shove anymore. I was curious and asked, he said, ‘It’s my form of masturbation, it feels good.’ Only if he saw how the doc removed it.

Prisoners are always good ones. Usually just do it to get out of jail/prison. I’ve seen staples, pen caps, the inside of a Bic pen bent in half in a ‘V’ shape, small angle in first. Also pencils, paper clips, pieces of broken plastic eating utensils, and rolled-up paper.

Had a guy get a butt plug stuck in rectum, claimed he didn’t know how it got there.”

21. He got four feet of oxygen tubing up his ass before he couldn’t shove anymore.

“Guy came into the ER having bladder pains. Ended up having to X-ray and found peanuts inside. He and his sexual partner decided to shove peanuts up his penis with a pencil.”

22. He had a plastic Easter egg lodged deep in his bum.

“Elderly man and wife enter the ER. The male’s in obvious distress, but he initially refused to elaborate in triage. Once roomed, he will not speak with his wife present. When alone with staff, he finally tells us. He had a plastic Easter egg lodged deep his bum. Asked with what happened, he simply replies, ‘I wanted to know what it’s like to be a chicken.’”

23. He came in with a vacuum cleaner hose stuck on his penis.

“I worked as an orderly in the local ER as a university student and a man came in with a vacuum cleaner hose stuck on his penis.

He arrived wearing a sweater, shoes, and a blanket and insisted that he had been instructed to clean his house while nude because of his dust allergy.

While vacuuming, the man had become (his words), ‘inexplicably fatigued’ and took an impromptu nap with the Hoover still running. At this time, his penis must have flopped into the vacuum hose. His arousal was, he insisted, involuntary.

The hose was finally cut off with a surgical rotary saw.”

24. We dug out tons of literally rotten meat from this poor girl’s vaginal cavity.

“Not exactly sexual, but when we had gynecology and obstetrics in med school, we got this girl in from the psychiatric ward. The reason she got referred to gynecology was that she was smelly. Yep, really. So we didn’t quite understand the referral until we got in the room and met the patient. The patient is a skinny young girl, with the foulest necrosis-like odor I have ever smelled. It was literally so bad half of us had to leave the room. The paramedics also commented that they had to roll down all the windows when driving her there. According to the referral, the smell had been there for several weeks, and they had tried everything, including forcing her to shower, to make it end, and now they sent her here to rule out gynecological issues.

Well, what we found when we put her in the stirrups was that this girl had anorexia, and as a means of hiding her uneaten food from the hospital staff, guess where she had been putting her chewed-up pieces of food? Yup. She, of course, told us she had never put anything up there. Well, either there’s a disease that makes potatoes grow in your vagina, or she was lying.

We dug out tons of literally rotten meat from this poor girl’s vaginal cavity, some of it had to have been in there for a while, and put her on antibiotics for the terrible infection she of course had. Hospital food where I went to school isn’t great in general, and it didn’t help to let in ferment for a few weeks in an acidic environment full of bacteria. I will never forget that smell.

To make you understand how bad it was, let me just say that the vagina of any anorexic is not a happy place to begin with as they are very prone to nasty fungal infections. Here we started empiric treatment for both fungal and bacterial infection, seeing as we had trouble differentiating the more rotten food from her own necrotic vaginal tissue. So mix the smell of necrosis (you know how they say you never forget the smell of a rotting body? Yep, that.), rotting food, severely unclean crotch, and with a nice hint of infection to top it off. At this point in school we had sat through countless hours of smelly surgeries, autopsies, treating homeless people in the ER, and I’ve never seen any of my fellow students react physically to any smell. Half the people immediately had to leave the room, and some of us who stayed had to vomit.”

25. You’d be surprised how many grown men ‘fall’ onto shampoo bottles in the shower.

“I spent 5 years as a corpsman, which made me an ER alternative for some Marines. You’d be surprised how many grown men ‘fall’ onto shampoo bottles in the shower. You fell on it? Well how did it go in upside down?”

26. He came in with an eel in his ass that had perforated his large intestine.

“Guy came in with an eel in his ass that had perforated his large intestine. Claimed he ate it.”

27. He had inserted chess pieces subcutaneously into his penis.

“Former ER Nurse here. Had a newly released convict that came to my ER because ‘It really hurts when I do it with my old lady.’ This man had taken chess pieces—that’s right, chess pieces, and inserted them subcutaneously into the shaft of his penis. On exam his penis was a swollen, red and purple, infected grapefruit. When asked why he would do something like that to himself, his response was ‘because my old lady likes it, she says it feels good for her…you know, when we do it.’ Out of curiosity I asked him which chess piece. He didn’t recall, but he said it was ‘for sure one of the black ones.’ He was admitted to the hospital for surgical debridement and foreign body removal. I followed up on him some days afterwards and apparently he had to have significant portions of his penis removed, too. That’s checkmate.”

28. He tripped and fell straight down onto a can of shaving cream.

About six months ago I had a 16 year old male come in with chief complaint of, ‘Rectal problem.’ He goes on to tell me that he had been innocently cleaning his room before school, when he tripped and fell ass-down straight on a can of shaving cream that had been sitting upright on his bed, ripping his underwear in the process. As he was a minor, he was accompanied by a parent, which just so uncomfortably happened to be his mom.

After he goes into great detail in explaining just how random this fluke accident was, I looked at him with furrowed brow for a few seconds, then to his mom, then back to him, and back to her… She completely believed it. That it was possible for an entire can of shaving cream to be in her son’s rectum, from him tripping and sitting on his bed. Where this thing just so happened to be standing upright. Perhaps she was just trying to convince her heart of hearts that this is what actually happened, but damn if she wasn’t doing a great fucking job of it.

We ended up having to call general surgery. This is usually the case when such an object can’t just be easily pulled out, which is why they’re there in the first place.

There’s also the lady that came in with an ‘energy crystal’ stuck in her vagina because she had to be up for an extended period of time for something or other. It was only after I pulled out what looked like one of those rocks you’d polish in a rock tumbler when you were a kid that I realized she wasn’t talking about meth.

The ER is a weird place.”

29. He came in with a trailer ball stuck inside his rectum.

“1st visit: Patient arrived with dildo stuck inside. X-ray showed the outline perfectly.

…3 weeks goes by…

2nd visit: Patient arrived again with trailer ball hitch stuck inside. X ray showed the outline perfectly. His wife said this was the last time they try anything anal on him. (as she winked). I am still waiting for the couple to show up; it is only a matter of time.”

30. He was hunting in the woods and somehow got a bullet-shaped dildo stuck in his rectum.

“I had to deal with a patient who somehow got a bullet-shaped dildo (too big to be a bullet but too small to be a true dildo, it was about 4 inches long?) stuck way the fuck up his rectum. His story was he was hunting in the woods and took a bullet in the gut…I was just shaking my head the whole time we were doing X-rays at that barely even half-assed story.

31. He pretended he had a stick in his urethra just to get us to touch his junk.

“Not really an injury, but we had a guy walk into the ER claiming to have a stick stuck in his urethra. He claimed that the reason a stick was in his urethra was because he put it there to help maintain his erection but then he ‘lost it.’ After several physical exams by multiple professionals, an X-ray was taken of his pelvis and penis (my job). Turned out to be negative. Doc ordered an ultrasound of bladder and penis. Also negative. The physician came to the conclusion if the patient could urinate then he was fine to leave, so they asked for a urine sample. The nurse gave the guy his cup and left the room. When she came back, in the urine sample was an obviously planted stick. It was far too awkwardly shaped to have ever been inserted. And if it was, no way it would pop out with urination.

TL;DR Guy tricked an entire ER into fondling his junk for most of an evening by pretending to have a stick in his urethra.”

32. He stuck a pencil in his urethra because he was ‘bored.’

“I worked at a jail for a while as the charge nurse. I got a phone call one night from the deputy working in the mental health housing unit. He tells me ‘Uh, we’ve got an issue over here……one of our inmates put something in his…uh dick.’ Oh Jesus Christ. So they bring him over, full shackles and belly chains and in red (he needs 2 deputies at all times). I ask him what he did. ‘Uh. I stuck a pencil in my dick.’ WHAT. THE. FUCK. So I take him to our exam room, get him up on the table and start looking at his dick. There’s no OBVIOUS pencil in it. Then I take his flaccid penis and bend it a little bit. And there it is. You can see it in his urethra. Best part was is that he broke it first and shoved the sharpened side in first. I sent his dumbass to the hospital and they had to do a cystoscopy on him to get it out. And of course his dick hurt really bad when he got back and it hurt to pee. No shit. Best part? I’d asked him why he did this and he replied ‘I was bored.’

33. Her husband was diddling her with a loaded gun and it accidentally fired.

“Had a patient had a ‘bullet ricochet into her vagina.’ Turns out her husband was dildoing her with a loaded gun and accidentally pressed the trigger. Not really self-inflicted, I guess.”

34. A priest came in with a broken lightbulb in his ass.

“A priest with a broken lightbulb in his ass. Everyone knew how it got there so no one asked, but every time someone would enter the room he would regale them with a tale of changing a light bulb naked, slipping and falling.”

35. He fell on a Glade air freshener can and it went up his butt.

“Severely obese Hispanic dude covered in prison tattoos comes in for “constipation and abdominal pain”. Gets xray of belly/pelvis ==> obvious large, cylindrical metallic object in rectum. Upon further questioning he relates a story about how he was getting out of the shower when he ‘fell on a Glade air freshener can and it went up his butt.’ He ended up needing to go to the OR for an ‘exam under anesthesia’ for removal. I will never forget the sight of the OR nurse + scrub tech each holding a leg back while the poor surgeon was elbow-deep in the dude’s rectum before she triumphantly pulled out this, but covered in poop.”

36. Why the cueball? Why not the 8-ball?

---

Trending

“First night working in the ER, and a guy comes in with rectal pain…lo and behold, there is a brilliant white, spherical translucency on the X-ray series we shot of his lower abdomen. The story came out—sort of. The guy admitted it was a pool ball (cueball to be exact), but claimed he tripped and fell flat on the ground, lodging the pool ball up his ass. Obviously, we didn’t believe him, but it didn’t matter—off to the floor he went to start the process of prepping for surgery. I had so many lingering questions, the least of which was why the cueball? Why not the 8-ball? Is he playing pool in a more awesome way than we could ever fathom? We may never know.”