Everything You’ve Ever Wanted To Know About Sexting (But Were Afraid To Ask)

So you’ve been texting with a new dude and said texts have now progressed past flirtatious and are just flat-out sexts. Awesome. But are you a little clueless as to how to interpret said sexts? What does that dude actually mean when he’s saying all those things?

Luckily I am the queen of sexting and I can interpret these confusing messages for you. Sit down, students, and learn. Perhaps we should call this Sexting 101?

PART ONE: SEXUAL EMOJIS

The “water droplets” emoji: Either means squirting or jizz
Eggplant emoji: Boners
Peach (fruit) emoji: Butt
Tongue: Clearly this means oral sex (This one squicks me out HARDCORE)
Tongue + droplets: Female oral sex
Blushing face: You’re turning me on AND freaking me out
Hearts-in-eyes face: I am loving everything you’re saying

PART TWO: WHAT DOES HE ACTUALLY MEAN?

“I’m so hard right now.”

Translation: I’m probably a little bit hard but I’m at work/school/using public transportation, so I’m trying not to get actually hard because that’s embarrassing.

“I bet you look hot right now.”

Translation: Send me a picture of your boobs.

“Your tits are so nice.”

Translation: Send me more pictures of your boobs.

“I’m drunk.”

Translation: Let’s bone. I’m using this as an excuse to say things to you that I wouldn’t say sober.

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard.”

Translation: I’m in my pajamas eating nachos, not actively thinking about fucking you.

“What do you wanna do to me right now?”

Translation: You do all the work here. I’m lazy and want to get off without a whole lot of work fantasizing on my own.

PART THREE: DICK PIC PET PEEVES

I don’t actually care what your dick looks like. I only like what it can DO to me. That said, if you really feel inclined to show me what it looks like …

DON’T

1. Include your socks. (This might be a personal pet peeve.)
2. EVER send a flaccid one.
3. Use the TV remote as a measurement device.
4. Send a picture using your dirty bathroom mirror.
5. Make it shiny. Ew.
6. Use MONEY to measure it. I do not want to see $2 in quarters on your fucking dick. MONEY IS DIRTY. I am not impressed by its length; I’m grossed out thinking of all the hands that touched that money. That shit is NOT going in my mouth without a proper sanitation.
7. Send them out of the blue. If I haven’t seen it in person, I don’t want to see it on the phone.
8. Include your face. HELLO, I can send this to my friends. And I probably will if it’s particularly a) impressive or b) hilarious.
9. No wedding rings, please.

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STAY YOUNG

DO

1. Reference the situation in some manner. We’re texting and you get hard? Show me.
2. Keep a little bit of hair down there. A shaved dick area freaks me out.
3. Be tasteful. I don’t mind a little bit of light stroking via video.
4. Consider lighting. Natural light is best.
5. Find your angles. Don’t make it look tiny!
6. Consider the backdrop. I can SEE the lady razor in your shower and I know you don’t have a girl roommate!
7. Ask before you send. Seriously. Be considerate. I know that you’d be happy getting 100000 surprise pics of my vagina, but you won’t be so settle your ass down. Just don’t blast a dick pic to me in the middle of the day when I’m in line at Starbucks. I will show the barista.

FOOLPROOF SEXTING IDEAS

• Boobs. Work hard to find the best angle. Always have hard nipples, because they photograph better.
• “Oh my god” is much sexier than any other phrase when you’re strapped for anything creative to say.
• “And then what?” usually gets you a good story.
• Dudes are visual. Send them a video every once in awhile if you trust them. I like a good “soaping up the boobs,” but I’m good at holding my phone in the bathtub. Don’t try that if you’re clumsy.
• Know that he will probably show SOMEONE. Therefore, don’t send anything you’re not comfortable with.
• Know you look hot? Take a picture. It’ll make his day, even if it’s just a picture of your shoes.
• I am not ashamed of using the “winky” face. It conveys flirting.
• Don’t sext with anyone you don’t trust. I have to say this a few times for your protection. If anything, SCREENSHOT THAT SHIT when he sends you a bad dick pic so you can use it one day if you need to. I mean … nevermind.