Found on AskReddit.
1. When they can’t tell the difference between your vagina and your sofa cushion.
“Not mine, but one of my friend’s experience. She was in college and started making out with a guy on her couch while they were both a bit intoxicated. This led to deciding to have sex, and as she laid there, he seemed to be really into his thrusts. The problem, he was fucking the slit between the couch cushions and not her. It doesn’t matter how many times she tells this story, I always crack up.”
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2. When they can’t tell the difference between your vagina and a mattress.
“Started making out with my HS bf. Took off our clothes. We hadn’t had sex at this point. He suddenly starts moaning about how ‘great my pussy feels…oh my godddd!!’…I’m totally confused because he isn’t touching me at all…I look under the sheets and see him enthusiastically humping my mattress! I still don’t understand how that felt like what a vagina should feel like. Not like he had never touched it before and he supposedly was not a virgin? He was a little drunk, but still…”
3. When they kiss like they’re trying to suck your head into their mouth.
“Once I slept with a guy who kissed like a vacuum cleaner. He straight up suction cupped my mouth, and the more I pulled away, the more he stuck onto me. He then bit my nipple in half, and that took a week to heal…”
4. When they keep interrupting a blowjob to talk about their day.
“During a blowjob, she kept stopping every two minutes to chat about how her day went.”
5. When you fall asleep during their blowjob.
“Was getting a blowjob that was so bad, I had just about no feeling from it. Ended up nodding off while she was going down on me.”
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6. When they ask you why you’re ‘kissing them down there.’
“As I started to slowly go downtown on her: ‘what are you kissing me down there for?’ I told her to just relax and enjoy. Later in the evening (well after the event) she asked if we could do ‘that thing’ again next time….”
7. When they finger you so hard and deep, you wind up crying for a half-hour.
“I’m the idiot that did this one. On my first sexual encounter, I fingered a girl. I thought the deeper in I shoved my fingers in her vagina, the better it would feel. I made her cry… For the 30 minutes after it took to drive her home. Not a great experience.”
8. When they grasp your boob in their claw and turn it back and forth like it’s a doorknob.
“I have big boobs. Grasping my boob in a claw and turning it back and forth like a doorknob does NOTHING for me, but it’s a good indication of an inexperienced guy.
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Also, a guy that would punch my nipple and just hold it there or put it in his mouth and not suck on it/run his tongue over it or nibble turned out to be sexually inexperienced.”
9. When they squeeze your boobs hard like a pair of stress balls.
“While making out, he put his hands up my shirt, grabbed my boobs… and squeezed them both really hard. Like a pair of stress balls. He was very confused when I started howling in pain, and that left some interesting bruises.”
10. When they squeeze your balls so hard, you nearly cry.
“I went on a date with a girl in high school who was supposed to be experienced. We started making out, and she started squeezing my balls so hard I nearly cried. I thought she knew what she was doing, and I had no idea… so I went with it.”
11. When they don’t even know about missionary position.
“I’m not sure what it is about recent movies and stuff, but I was with a girl a while back (She had been a virgin) who was certain that doggy style was just sort of ‘how it was done.’
Said it’s basically all she’s ever seen in movies and the small amount of porn she’d seen.
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The conversation came up after our 3rd or 4th time and I told her to lay down as we were getting ready for action. Missionary position just blew her mind. Way more satisfying for her. She was all like “why don’t people do it like that all the time?””
12. When they tell you to bite their pussy.
“‘Bite my pussy, bite my pussy!!’
‘Are… Are you sure…?’
‘Yes damnit… Bite my pussy!’
…
‘…never do that again! Oh god, never do that again!’”
13. When they bite your dick.
“Biting my dick because you think I’ll like it.”
14. When they can’t tell you’re cumming.
“When my muscles contracted inside, he jumped back and said, ‘What was that?!?’ sigh”
15. When they use teeth on a blowjob .
“Teeth on a blowjob. Her down-suck was great but the up-suck felt like I was face-fucking a shark.”
16. When they don’t know where their clitoris is.
“I had to show my girlfriend (who was well into her 20’s) where her clitoris was and how to masturbate.
The funniest part was she diddled herself every chance she got after that for about a month. Her roommate sarcastically thanked me for all the extra noise in the apartment.”
17. When they can’t tell the difference between cumming and needing to pee.
“Was trying to make a girl come for the first time in her life. She’s getting all worked up when suddenly she yells out ‘I HAVE TO PEE!’ She darts to the bathroom and tries to pee for a few minutes unsuccessfully. She was climaxing but thought she was going to piss herself.”
18. When they put the condom on backwards.
“He put the condom on backwards and couldn’t figure out how to roll it down. I told him it was okay and showed him the proper way to put it on.
I’m still with him over a year later, he got better.”
19. When they’re shocked to see semen come out.
“Got a handjob from a 28-year-old virgin, she was shocked shocked when semen came out.
Conservative Catholic country, still lived with her parents no sex education never watched porn, kind of a conservative girl I guess, never tried anything at all before that. Literally zero experience (obviously) and no one had ever explained how it worked.
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The handjob came after sex, which came after we had kind of mutually decided it wasn’t gonna work out for various reasons. She was a little bit upset at the semi breakup and then I could kind of see her steel herself and say ‘OK, well if this is going to end you need to do this one thing for me.’ That thing being her first time having sex. I tried to argue it wasn’t a good idea but she was basically like no you fucker this is happening, and I kind of shrugged and went alright, fuck it my principles aren’t that strong on this anyway.
Had sex, she was starting to get physically uncomfortable after a while, so just had her finish me off with her hand onto her chest….Yeah she did not foresee what the outcome of that was gonna be at all. ‘EWWWWW… WHAT?!’ touch pool of cum, smells fingers ‘EWWWWW WHAT IS THIS?’
Me: Wait, what? What you didn’t know?”
20. When they have ‘Yoda Mouth.’
“Had a girl who was flirting with me heavily while we hung out, even saying overtly sexual things then pulling back as soon as I reciprocated (which is kind of a sign in and of its own), but when I went to kiss her, I was greeted with what I can only describe as ‘Yoda Mouth.’ Her lips were pursed together in that way Yoda does when he’s really disappointed, or seems to be contemplating something, and I immediately thought that maybe I had misread her and she was just too polite to say ‘hey, you are an asshole, stop it.’
Next time we hang out I assume it’s platonic, she is still super flirty but I figure that’s just her thing, but as she goes to leave she looks at me and says ‘Kisses?’ (not a Jenny reference on her part, but I kind of giggled inside at it.) I don’t remember exactly what I did but obviously it must have really shown my ‘Uh, no thank you, ma’am’ feelings, which would have normally ended things until she half yelled ‘I’ll open my mouth this time!’
That…is about the most obvious sign of inexperience I have ever seen. She was over 30, and hadn’t yet quite gotten making out yet.”
21. When they try to fuck your peehole.
“He continuously kept licking my peehole and tried to shove it in there. We changed positions ’cause he simply couldn’t put it in the right hole. I got on top and he proceeded to enter my butthole.
‘I’m gonna tear your walls’ he said in a text message 30 minutes before coming over.”
22. When they have no rhythm.
“Not really finding much of a rhythm. Neither as two people working as one, or even one finding a rhythm of their own. Jerky, uncoordinated.”
23. When they insert their nose into your vagina.
“A guy once told me he definitely wasn’t a virgin and I was kind of on board until he went down on me and inserted his nose into my vagina and asked if I’d cum yet.”
24. When they can’t tell the difference between a vagina and an anus.
“Religious friends were newly married and having trouble getting pregnant. Lots of doctor visits and two months later found that they were doing anal.”
25. When they have no idea where to put their hands, so they just lay them at their sides.
“When they have no idea where to put their hands, so they just lay them at their sides. Known as the dead fish. Awful.”
26. When they ignore your feedback.
“Ignoring my feedback instead of listening to what I have to say. I promise you, champ, you don’t know my body better than me and acting like you do makes you look like an insecure jerk.”
27. When they think vaginas are in the front.
“We started making out and groping and he puts his hand down my pants. He starts feeling around the front of my crotch (directly below my stomach) for a bit until I tell him, ‘Move your hand lower.’ He immediately goes bright red and says ‘I thought vaginas were in the front.’”
28. When they try for an hour and still can’t figure out how to take off your bra.
“I went to Orlando with 3 friends to go to Universal and hang out during Spring Break when I was 22.
Over the weekend 2 Japanese girls were staying in the room next door, with what I believe was their host parents. Somehow one of my friends met and convinced the 2 girls to come hang out in our room where we were watching a movie and had some liquor and beer.
One of the girls started talking to me, and we ended up taking a walk around the block of the hotel to get away from the noise. We hit it off, and made out a bit on a bench, and decided to head back to the hotel room.
When we got there one of my friends was passed out on the floor, and my other friend and the other girl were half naked making out on the bed. So the girl I was with said her chaperones were out to dinner and wouldn’t be back for a while so her room was empty.
We went back there and started making out, and we started to undress each other. I fumbled taking her bra off for what felt like an hour, but was only really a minute or two. She pushed my hand away and kind of laughed at me. I smiled thinking my fumbling was cute.
But nope! The failure to preform one simple foreplay task got her to put her shirt back on and tell me she had to be up early in the morning. They left the next day.”
29. When they mistake pre-cum for semen.
“So my last GF was a virgin. No big deal, I said I respected that and I did. All I asked was that she never put the offer on the table unless she was serious.
Long story short, she started throwing stuff around like it was gonna go down. Pretty much all she did was put her hand down my pants and do maybe 3 half strokes. There was a little pre-cum and she’s like ‘wow you came a lot.’ She was still a virgin when we broke up.
30. When they keep asking ‘Did you cum?’ during sex.
“Probably myself. I remember being 15 and having my first girlfriend, looking back on the things I did back then still give me shivers down my spine. One time in particular, I remember being at her parents’ house trying to ‘sneak’ in a little sexy time. So to set the scene, her dad was a big guy, about 6ft 3 and 295 lbs. On top of that he was an ‘ex’ Hell’s Angels biker and works at (or owned: I’m not sure which) an anger management place. his house locked up like Fort Knox, he had cameras all over the property, thick bars over every window and door, and instead of a regular garage door he had a thick steel bared roll gate. He was basically scary beyond all reason.
Anyways, being the dumb teen I was we started making out and I ended up putting her up against a wall. The wall was in the living room and had two entrances. It was perfect because as long as I kept my head in a swivel I could lean over the wall and check to see if anyone was coming. I pulled her pants down half way and began vigorously finger banging her. She did was any normal 15-year-old would do, she acted like she enjoyed it. While doing this, I would constantly sway left and right looking for her dad to make sure he wasn’t coming and every 10 seconds I would look up at her and ask ‘did you cum,’ ‘did you cum,’ ‘did you cum.’
It must have been the most annoying and unpleasant experience for her. She ended up cheating on me which made me hate her for a long time. Then when I grew older and realized what I had done to that poor girl, all while thinking I was a stud, I couldn’t blame her. I would have cheated on me too.
Maybe this was too much info, but I’m sure more people out there remember doing similar things.”
31. When they don’t realize that ‘cuddling’ for six hours means you want to have sex.
“Girl invited me over at 11:00PM to watch movies. Drove over and we made out and cuddled until 5:00AM. Afterwards she told me she saw me more as a friend and we stopped hanging out.
I feel like such an idiot that I didn’t see that she wanted do the sex, and I could’ve gotten some o dat.”
32. When they literally blow on you.
“I asked a girl to blow me….she blew on me.”
33. When they give you a handjob like they’re trying to control a crashing helicopter.
“One of my first girlfriends gave me a handjob that was like she was trying to control a crashing helicopter. It was terrible. I went soft in the middle. We broke up shortly after.”
34. When they rub your vagina like they’re sanding a block of wood.
“He rubbed my vagina like he was sanding a block of wood. I was so fuck raw after that shit.”
35. When they’re completely unaware of the male orgasmic refractory period.
“First time having sex and I went down on a guy like right after he came. He kind of laughed and was like ‘umm, nothing is going to happen for a while.’”
36. When they just grab your and don’t realize they’re supposed to pump.
“Once had a chick just grab my dick. As in, that was my hand job. Just a firm ol’ grab of the shaft.
Another time, another person (two times this happened actually) – Just fucking laid there. No movements, no fucking initiative to put any effort into these physical activities whatsoever. To extend on one of the people, I tried to get her on top. For goddamn fucking fuck’s sake…. At that point, I just accepted I can at least get laid.
Pro tip—Don’t go after Air Force chicks, they’re weird.”
37. When they fall out, don’t notice, and just keep thrusting.
“Dude fell out, never even noticed. No pause to adjust, just kept thrusting.”
38. When they try to plug your dick hole while you’re cumming to keep the semen from spurting out.
“She was a virgin but I didn’t expect this bit actually.
She gave me a handjob, I basically taught her how I liked it, grip, strokes and so on.
Went absolutely fine tbh, she did well enough was quite into it. So… I Cum and well… she freaks out and thumbed over the hole to stop it coming out.
I had to quickly stop her doing that and point out its supposed to fucking do that and y’know it’s probably not a good idea to block my dick hole. -.-
It was funny looking back but not at the time. Ended up dating her for a few years.”
39. When they dart their tongue in and out like a lizard during kissing.
“We would make out and he would dart his tongue in and out like a lizard. He had a girlfriend before me so I thought I was in safe territory but apparently he was never corrected on his kissing technique.”
40. When they think ‘69’ means you put 69% of your penis in.
“Not me but a friend.
Group of young teens were all standing around talking about sex. My friend, we’ll call him Jim-Bob, is 14 at this point, a virgin, and totally clueless about sex.
Everyone is boasting about their sexual exploits. ‘I TOTALLY got a blow job!’ ‘I saw her boobs!’ ‘He was so big!’ etc. Typical teen sex talk.
The topic of 69ing comes up. Jim-Bob has no idea what 69ing is but doesn’t want to seem ignorant. So he decides to bluff. ‘Oh, yeah. I just…Love being with a chick and….Giving…Her the ol’ 69.’
Everyone looks at him and he looks back. ‘You don’t know what 69ing is do you?’ ‘What? Pfffff….Of course I do. Come on guys. Obviously I know what—’ ‘What is it then?’ ‘It’s…uh…when you…only stick 69% of your penis in.”
Laughs ensue.”
41. When they donkey-punch your balls during a handjob.
“How is ‘the overly vigorous handjob’ not posted yet?
She literally tried so hard giving me a handjob because she wasn’t very good at it yet that she punched me in the balls every stroke. at one point she asks me ‘how is it?’ I answer, excruciatingly painful, but I might be able to finish anyway eventually.
I mean, she was getting there, despite the donkey punching.”
42. When they think cumming and having an orgasm are two different things.
“I said I was gonna cum—my girlfriend at the time (20yo) said she’d rather make me orgasm.”
