A Mommy Blogger’s Open Letter To Iran

This is an open letter to those who it may concern in Iran.

Read the article here.

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While observing your recent brokering with our Muslim president, Barack Hussein “Like Saddam” Obama, in which plans were discussed regarding your mysterious and terrifyingly-foreign country’s development of nuclear technology, I observed that you possess a fundamental misunderstanding of what it means to be an American Mommy. As such, I am writing to you thusly. I would like to elucidate two important components (or tenets if you will) of what it means to be a mommy and the authority granted therein – 1) mommy knows best 2) I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it.

I’m carrying something deep within me, something that feels heavy and haunted, something I’ve tried so desperately to control and manage on my own.

For The Sin You Can’t Talk About

You see unlike Iran, whose women I care about only when rhetorically convenient, America doesn’t subjugate its women to a subservient role. That’s not to say that American women aren’t oppressed – we are and we should be applauded for it – but American women are also feared. They possess a distinctly feminine graceful sort of power and an ability to intuit forebodements (both in real life and in dramatic television shows). These qualities are only magnified by motherhood, and the American Mommy is something to be respected and feared when handling your so-called negotiations with our traitor president who you probably went to grammar school with back in Muslamia.

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First, an American Mommy, my word is powerful beyond the limits of policy or commerce. All I have to do is say that vaccines make children austistic, and suddenly an entire generation will feel the wrath of unchecked mommyhood and resurgent disease. The president does not have this power, only the American Mommy does. This power of mommy knows best allows me to sway public opinion in ways you could never imagine.

Second, I have given birth to a child, and in a way, that presents me with ownership over said child. By extension, it provides me ownership over every aspect of his life, including the world he lives in. And it also grants me exclusive use of those convenient parking spaces at the front of the lot. I simply don’t want my son living in a world where the president has the ability to make foreign policy decisions on his own. The world belongs to me – an American Mommy – and anything I create I can destroy. Don’t forget, Iran only exists because the American Mommyblogula allows it to exist.

What this means is that any agreement you reach with the Obungler is simply a presidential agreement between two heads of state, and nothing more. It’s not an endorsement from the coalition of American Mommy Bloggers, and it’s not something that I like. Therefore, it’s bad.