Grading The Different Places You Can Have Sex

The Shower

The shower is a bad place to have sexual intercourse. The shower is an alright place to have fun with each other’s bodies in non-penetrable ways, like licking and general touching. But dick in the hole sex is just not all that great in the shower. The space is confined. The water, I hear, makes the vagina uncomfortable. The ground is slippery. No good.

GRADE: C-.

The Bathroom

People who don’t have sex in the bathroom aren’t people. They’re civilized weirdos. Look, the bathroom is disgusting by any objective criteria. But if you’re thinking objectively when you screw, then why don’t you just go fuck an Ayn Rand book while the rest of us go wild in the irrationality of our sexual drives. Yes, the bathroom is gross. And yes, that’s why it’s hot. This is the temple of bodily fluids. And you’re screwing on its altar! This is perverted and it’s awesome.

GRADE: A…

P.S. For the tampon eating, pee party uninitiated: Your humble teacher recommends Georges Bataille’s Story of The Eye. Go ecstatic.

A Bed

I have mixed feelings about bed sex. Ultimately, I have had my best sex in beds. At the same time, as a general rule, when I have sex in bed it normally means I’m being lazy.  I wake up in the morning and a body is there and I move into its grooves because what else is there to do? Or I’m going to bed and I need to expel the chemicals to propel those sleep chemicals. So, the bed occupies a strange place in my grading system. It’s reliably awesome but also reliably banal, so it gets a nice non-offensive grade of B+.

GRADE: B+

Outside

Sex outside is right, particularly when the sun shines and the grass is green. There is something about the open sky that is incredibly erotic.  

GRADE: A.

The Champagne Room

Screwing strippers is at once an awful look and a good one. Screwing a stripper is kind of a no-no in society. This is because the patriarchal men who run society want to shame sluts so there are fewer women for them to have sex with. That doesn’t sound right. I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Screwing strippers in the campaign room is the best. There ain’t nothing wrong with that and never let anyone make you feel ashamed about your sexual choices.

Score: A+.