29 Messed Up Jokes You Should Never Tell Your Easily Offended Friends

These are some truly fucked up jokes. And if you want some more dark humor, check out our best dark jokes.

1. How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

2. What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?

You can’t take a joke.

3. I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

4. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

5. Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

6. What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

7. Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

8. Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

9. What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

10. What do girls and noodles have in common?

---

SHOP

---

They both wiggle when you eat them.

11. How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

12. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.

13. How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

14. How is virginity like a soap bubble?

One prick and it is gone.

15. Real men don’t wear pink…

They eat it.

16. Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

17. What do a pizza boy and a gyneocologist have in common?

They both smell it but they can’t eat it.

18. How is pubic hair like parsley?

You push it to the side before you start eating.

19. What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

20. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.

21. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

22. What’s the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

23. I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

24. What is the best part of a blowjob?

Ten minutes of peace and quiet.

25. I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.

She said she didn’t have time.

26. Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his casket.

27. What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

28. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

29. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

---

Trending

He forgot to wrap his Whopper. [tc-mark]