I’ve had a lot of good relationships. I’ve also had a lot of bad ones. The thing that I’ve noticed however, is that good or bad, relationships all tend to fail due to a couple of recurring issues. I don’t want to make my experiences sound universal, but here’s a list of the most common reasons an ideal situation turns into a nightmare of fights, silence, and that dreadful feeling that something beautiful has died.
1. Sucking off your coworker
2. Running out of beer and dismantling the fridge to get fucked up off the freon
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3. Borrowing their car to learn how to drift
4. Telling them their middle name sounds gay
5. Using their address to buy xanax on silk road
6. Getting both of you ejected from the George Lopez show for throwing your King Kong Nachos at the stage
7. Storing your piss in mason jars
8. Bringing up your ex, and how they had some pretty convincing reasons why The Holocaust never happened
9. Causing colony collapses
10. Psoriasis
11. Telling them their Trans Am is just a “bitch Camaro”
12. Running brake fluid through their Keurig to clean it
13. Telling them you’ll report them for domestic abuse if they bring up the hickey on your neck
14. Recording over their childhood home movies with episodes of Ancient Aliens
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15. Convincing them that herpes sores are just bites from ‘cunt fleas’
16. Doing mushrooms at Six Flags and losing his niece
17. Using their credit card to buy a bunch of Sudafed all around town
18. Going as their recently deceased mother for Halloween
19. Using his daughters insulin needles to pierce her ears
20. Posting their diary on Reddit in “AMA: I’m Dating A Complete Pussy” [tc-mark]
