12 Things Guys Think About During Sex

1. “Make sure you’re hard, but whatever you do, don’t finish yet. Think about something not sexy occasionally but don’t focus on it too long or you’ll lose it completely. Stay in the moment but let the plot of Man in the Iron Mask pop in every once in a while. That should work.”

2. “Was that a good moan or a bad moan? I honestly can’t tell if she’s loving this or just wanting it to be over right now.”

3. “Wait, she stopped making any type of sounds. Should I switch it up? Does she hate this? I can switch positions but maybe that’ll only be worse. Let’s do this for 45 more seconds and then we’ll switch. Ok maybe a minute because it feels awesome.”

4. “GET OFF HER HAIR, IDIOT!”

5. “Oh god, stop asking her if your move feels alright. Obviously it feels alright because it’s your move. Now slow it down. Slow, slow, sloooow. Now speed it up like Vin Diesel just hit the nos button under the seat of his car.”

6. “OK she’s mentioned her butt like five times. Is she just naming body parts or am I supposed to try some butt stuff?”

7. “I should say something sexy but I don’t want to sound fake and ridiculous. Is bosom still a word people use? Oh god don’t say bosom.”

8. “I’ve been on top way too long. My thighs are going to feel like I did every P90X workout in a row. Would it be rude to ice my hips after this?”

9. “This has been going on way too long. It just feels like we’re sloshing our crotches around at this point. Should we stop and watch House Hunters?”

10. “Who won Best Actor in 2007? Didn’t Forest Whitaker take that one? Good for him.”

11. “Ok hold on. We can both be moving our hips at different speeds. I can stop and you can move or vice versa, but right now we’re out of sync and literally nothing is happening.”

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12. “She just finished! Time to go 100mph!!!”